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00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:27,129
Good evening, it's great to be back with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it

2
00:00:27,130 --> 00:00:30,349
is, and in a packed programme tonight,
we were to have interviewed the star

3
00:00:30,350 --> 00:00:34,290
attraction of Lord George Davidson
Circus, Alfredo the Human Bomb.

4
00:00:34,830 --> 00:00:37,180
We've just heard that he's gone off on
holiday.

5
00:00:40,610 --> 00:00:46,729
But we will be introducing a talking dog
who's gained something of a reputation

6
00:00:46,730 --> 00:00:47,780
as a sheep warrior.

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00:00:48,010 --> 00:00:51,320
He runs after them and shouts, Mint
sauce, mint sauce, mint sauce.

8
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,060
But first, the news.

9
00:00:55,380 --> 00:00:59,959
The stock exchange man who was
protesting outside number 10 all

10
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,499
only in a pound note, was arrested when
there was a sharp drop in sterling

11
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:04,550
advances.

12
00:01:04,551 --> 00:01:09,699
And there was consternation in Downing
Street this morning when one of Dennis

13
00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:12,960
Healy's eyebrows was indecently
assaulted by a hedgehog.

14
00:01:14,791 --> 00:01:22,459
The four girls were disqualified for
cheating in the Miss Greater Manchester

15
00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:26,239
competition last night. They were Miss
Alteringham, Miss Paddingham, Miss

16
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,860
Pumpingham and Miss Duffingham.

17
00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:33,959
There was a red alert at Wormwood Scrubs
this morning when it was realised that

18
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,840
26 of the prisoners had put their names
down for picnic lunches.

19
00:01:40,010 --> 00:01:45,189
Latest reports on the electricity board
man who survived a 330 ,000 volt shock

20
00:01:45,190 --> 00:01:49,149
say that he is recovering rapidly and is
now sitting up in hospital and feeding

21
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:56,029
himself. He's also feeding two tumble
dryers, a dishwasher, the entire

22
00:01:56,030 --> 00:01:58,010
system and Esther Ransom's toothbrush.

23
00:02:01,070 --> 00:02:06,930
And now a sketch about topless go -go
dancers in suburbia.

24
00:02:07,340 --> 00:02:09,750
In which I knock around with a couple of
rockers.

25
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:19,780
And I rock around with a couple of nice
people from Croydon.

26
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,900
How do you do? How do you do? My name's
Dear.

27
00:02:33,901 --> 00:02:37,739
Arnold, dear, I come here every year. My
name's Algernon Cruff. Do you write

28
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,270
limericks, I trust? No, I'm only here
for the beer.

29
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:44,620
Just a joke. Just a rhyme and a joke. I
can't help it, I'm that sort of bloke.

30
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,730
Just a joke and a rhyme and a jolly good
time.

31
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,600
What I really came for was a... Smoke?

32
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,950
No, I won't. Please don't think that I'm
rude.

33
00:02:52,951 --> 00:02:55,219
Smoking's fine if you're in the right
mood.

34
00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:59,010
I smoke with my food. My wife smokes in
the nude, as long as it doesn't intrude.

35
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,620
Tell me, what sort of rhymes do you do?

36
00:03:01,621 --> 00:03:05,289
Oh, just things about ladies from Crewe
who step off the train, catch the foot

37
00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:07,820
in the drain, and the porters are, what
about you?

38
00:03:08,010 --> 00:03:12,429
Well, I've written a book, and itself is
described by the Bishop of Wells as the

39
00:03:12,430 --> 00:03:16,010
best of its kind, and my work is
confined to the loo walls of five -star

40
00:03:17,370 --> 00:03:19,850
Of course, published by the AA.

41
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:24,049
Recommended by Egan Ronay, and yes, it's
perfectly true, and BBC Two made it

42
00:03:24,050 --> 00:03:25,100
into a play for today.

43
00:03:25,101 --> 00:03:31,419
You're that witch. who writes things
about marriages on the walls of first

44
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:32,740
-class railway carriages.

45
00:03:32,741 --> 00:03:36,639
Please tell me once more of that classic
you saw on the seat of the boys' room

46
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:41,099
at Claridge's. Ah, my mother, a born
intellectual, made me a complete

47
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,150
homosexual.

48
00:03:42,151 --> 00:03:45,539
Underneath wrote some fool, if I gave
her the wool, would she make me one? Not

49
00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:46,590
ineffectual.

50
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:52,479
That's the stuff I wish I could write.
But I sit and I ponder all night and I

51
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:56,319
come up with some tale of a cow and a
pail and the last line's a load of...

52
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,370
Quiet, quiet.

53
00:03:58,379 --> 00:04:00,280
My room's pretty grotty. How's yours?

54
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:02,499
Well, there's woodworm in both of the
doors.

55
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:05,559
There's a hole in the floor, but what
worries me more is the dry rot they

56
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,610
in my drawers.

57
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,290
Have you noticed that little blonde
tart?

58
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,120
Oh, how pretty she is, bless her heart.

59
00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:14,720
She's a right little girl.

60
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,050
How well do you know her? Well, she's
not a real blonde for a start.

61
00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:24,099
With those looks, I don't think I'd
quibble.

62
00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:25,780
No, I must say, I fancy a nibble.

63
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,130
He's inspired you, no doubt, with the
urge to give out. Yes.

64
00:04:30,460 --> 00:04:32,200
Let's go to the gents for a scribble.

65
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,810
It's a funny old life, being a cinema
commissioner, you know.

66
00:04:45,780 --> 00:04:47,680
I stand out here all Doris Day.

67
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,730
Whether it's Claude Rains or Ronald
Shiners, I'm all with you.

68
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,750
Elka Summer or Shelley Winters, it's
all.

69
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,040
Oh, I've got some mixed memories,
though.

70
00:04:59,330 --> 00:05:02,880
I remember when I was a little Alan lad
living down Sydney Green Street.

71
00:05:04,630 --> 00:05:07,270
We used to go round kicking folks'
diners' doors.

72
00:05:09,110 --> 00:05:13,269
Then at Christmas time, we'd go singing
Madeline Carols outside the same diner

73
00:05:13,270 --> 00:05:14,320
doors.

74
00:05:14,530 --> 00:05:15,910
And banging on the knockers.

75
00:05:17,410 --> 00:05:20,490
Of course, when I was Robert Young, I
was really Cornell Wild.

76
00:05:21,370 --> 00:05:24,570
I used to go Sarah Miles after me,
Warren Oaks, I did.

77
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,920
The first girl I met, she was a bit too
Ron Moody, you know.

78
00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:34,310
Always Roy Bolting her food, and she had
a face like a Jack Lemmon.

79
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:40,839
Then I met the first real love of my
life. Oh, she was lovely. She had

80
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:46,020
brown eyes, a very cool Fred Astaire,
and lovely big Ginger Rogers.

81
00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:52,579
Well, I was getting Henry Fonda of her
all the time, but then she started a tom

82
00:05:52,580 --> 00:05:54,320
mix with the wrong people, you know.

83
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,450
A few months later, she gave birth to
Anthony Quinns.

84
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,090
She tried to make out it was me what
Irene done it, you know.

85
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,930
She tried to make me marry her, but I
said, I'm Dirk Bogart, if I will.

86
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,100
I think she married a Peter Lorre driver
in the finish.

87
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:18,490
Then, of course, I got a bit more victim
mature, but...

88
00:06:18,491 --> 00:06:23,249
While I was still too Loretta young, I
married this Rachel Wills girl from

89
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:26,330
Cardiff. But we had a Robert Stack up
after a few years.

90
00:06:27,190 --> 00:06:30,320
Well, I got home one night, heard of
Jane Russell in the bushes.

91
00:06:30,430 --> 00:06:34,280
I found her with another Anthony Mann,
giving her a Gregory Peck on the cheek.

92
00:06:34,970 --> 00:06:37,860
Well, of course, I was in the right
Sydney Fury, wasn't I?

93
00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:40,520
I picked up a Patricia Rock and Danny
Cayota with it.

94
00:06:40,521 --> 00:06:45,079
Before I knew it, I was all round to the
Clara Bow Street in front of the old

95
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,340
James Robertson Justice.

96
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,500
He gave me two years under Roger Moore.

97
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,350
I did ask for Stanley Holloway, but he
said that was a woman's prison.

98
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,930
Mind you, that took the clear bloom from
me cheeks, I can tell you.

99
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:02,999
After that, I tried living in Burt,
Lancaster and even Susanna York, but I'd

100
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,219
come back to dear old Julie London
eventually.

101
00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:09,619
You know, I tried various jobs. I was a
Christopher Plummer for the council one

102
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:10,670
time.

103
00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:14,290
Then I worked as an harbour gardener for
the Larry Parks department.

104
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:19,699
I even got a job as a carol baker, but I
kept burning the Lee J Cobbs a nasty

105
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:20,750
jolly bit.

106
00:07:20,751 --> 00:07:27,059
That's my trouble now, you see, I keep
going out under Noah Beery, that's my

107
00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:29,420
trouble. Eating the Alec Guinness.

108
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,500
I wake up with a lousy John Payne in the
stomach.

109
00:07:32,501 --> 00:07:36,039
You don't go till I've had a glass of
Ari Andrews liver sauce and a couple of

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00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,090
Michael Rennies.

111
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,850
I'm all on me Richard Todd now, of
course.

112
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,710
I wouldn't get married again at any
Dennis Price.

113
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:48,140
Very hard up, living on Joan Crawford's
cream crackers. Still,

114
00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:51,740
I live in Bobo.

115
00:07:51,741 --> 00:07:56,479
Although most of me low hairs are
falling out and the rest are going pearl

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00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:57,530
white.

117
00:07:57,700 --> 00:08:00,830
I could have done better with me life. I
carry Grant, yeah, yeah.

118
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,950
Better than standing here all the rain
day getting spotted by the Walter

119
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:10,939
Still. After all, I suppose I should
think myself lucky I don't work at the

120
00:08:10,940 --> 00:08:11,990
seaside, you know.

121
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,850
Wouldn't be Walter Piggins then, it'd be
George Seagulls instead.

122
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,640
You just can't keen and win, can you?

123
00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:52,539
Piggy Malone and Charlie Farley are once
again up to their necks in murder,

124
00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:57,119
mystery and mutts spreading in the
remote Devonshire village of Drake

125
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,610
darkling's farm run by an ancient farmer
and his large and lusty wife.

126
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:06,779
Our heroes meet Lucy, a wild gypsy girl
who warns them of strange rituals in the

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00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:11,179
churchyard and hypnotizes Piggy into
being terrified of the demon that lurks

128
00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:13,200
there. Repeat after me.

129
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:18,000
It's big and it's black and it's furry
and I'd be afraid of it.

130
00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:23,229
Charlie has invented a device to lay the
ghost, but only succeeds in taking the

131
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,090
lid off something much more sinister.

132
00:09:29,241 --> 00:09:30,689
What

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00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:39,989
was

134
00:09:39,990 --> 00:09:40,969
that all about, Chief?

135
00:09:40,970 --> 00:09:43,800
I don't know, but that corpse didn't
look very dead to me.

136
00:09:45,010 --> 00:09:47,180
Anyway, it's a funny time to hold a
funeral.

137
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,860
You didn't half make me jump.

138
00:10:03,861 --> 00:10:07,239
What are you hanging around this
graveyard this time of night for, eh?

139
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,460
Oh, he's cold. He wants another cuddle.

140
00:10:09,740 --> 00:10:12,480
See, Rock, he doesn't want anything to
do with you.

141
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,450
You've got nothing to offer him, has
she, Chief?

142
00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:17,030
Chief?

143
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,520
It's big and it's black and it's furry,
and I'd be afraid of it.

144
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,240
I told you, see? Come on, get up.

145
00:10:25,540 --> 00:10:26,590
Did you see that man?

146
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,210
In the coffin.

147
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,860
He be a black -hearted villain, that
man. I do call down a curse upon him.

148
00:10:37,940 --> 00:10:38,990
Don't do that.

149
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,830
That's very unhealthy. Somebody's got to
be buried in that coffin.

150
00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:45,340
Look, never mind all that.

151
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:47,520
Do you know that bloke?

152
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:49,210
Know him?

153
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,030
Everybody around these parts do know
him.

154
00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:54,160
He be the lord of the manor.

155
00:11:06,721 --> 00:11:09,359
Everything all right, Chief?

156
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,210
Yeah. What are you rushing about like
that for? You're frightening the birds.

157
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:14,740
Is it you've been spotted?

158
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:18,019
I've been spotted all over, I should
think. I've got damn red ants crawling

159
00:11:18,020 --> 00:11:19,070
me leg, biting me.

160
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,800
I'm itching all over.

161
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:24,839
Well, if you can point out the parts
they've bitten, I'll scratch them for

162
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,580
What were those poles in your arms?

163
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,330
If I could point them out, I could
scratch the parts myself, couldn't I?

164
00:11:30,331 --> 00:11:35,079
Can't we have our sandwiches yet? I'm
starving.

165
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,130
What time is it?

166
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:37,550
Have a look.

167
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,310
Quarter to one. No, a quarter now to
wait.

168
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,510
All right, all right. I don't need to
get like that and all uppity.

169
00:12:13,870 --> 00:12:16,400
is cheese and chutney. Don't I? Cheese
and chutney.

170
00:12:16,630 --> 00:12:18,730
Try the other end.

171
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:26,910
Sandwich bread. Lovely.

172
00:13:37,470 --> 00:13:44,719
Look, I've already told you I've got a
plan for that. In my wallet here, I've

173
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:48,339
got several different business cards. I
saw it on television, you see. So

174
00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:51,300
whatever occasion arises, I have a card
in here to cover it.

175
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,130
How do you know what occasion's going to
occur?

176
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:58,419
Well, you... Well, you size up the
situation, don't you? Then you play it

177
00:13:58,420 --> 00:13:59,439
ear.

178
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,090
You couldn't play this one by ear. It's
an optician's.

179
00:14:02,271 --> 00:14:04,319
Point taken.

180
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,239
Oh, but don't forget, we've still got
this for added protection.

181
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:08,320
Here, is that loaded?

182
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:09,690
I'll say it is.

183
00:14:09,691 --> 00:14:12,639
And don't forget, the steel darts in
this can travel through nine inches of

184
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:13,690
solid wood.

185
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,480
So don't get your head in the way.

186
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,020
Ah, good afternoon, ma 'am.

187
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:40,020
Could we have a word with hubby?

188
00:14:40,660 --> 00:14:42,140
My husband is dead.

189
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:49,339
Oh. Oh, well, then, perhaps, in a way,
it is indeed fortunate that we have

190
00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:50,980
called at this time.

191
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:57,019
We represent an old, established firm,
experienced in matters of handling

192
00:14:57,020 --> 00:14:58,400
situations of this sort.

193
00:14:58,780 --> 00:14:59,830
My card.

194
00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:05,450
You can rest assured that your husband
will be safe in our hands.

195
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,280
Emergency plumbing service.

196
00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:10,340
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

197
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:14,610
J.

198
00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:17,230
Harrison Limited.

199
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,440
Undertakers and morticians.

200
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:22,300
Disposal of the deceased to speciality.

201
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,260
I don't need an undertaker.

202
00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:29,230
You're not supposed to bury people
yourself, you know.

203
00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:33,080
My husband has been dead for eight
years.

204
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:35,570
Then why are you crying?

205
00:15:37,010 --> 00:15:38,230
I'm pickling onions.

206
00:15:40,370 --> 00:15:41,420
Good day.

207
00:15:43,981 --> 00:15:45,509
I

208
00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:52,989
think

209
00:15:52,990 --> 00:15:54,430
that's put them off the track.

210
00:15:54,590 --> 00:15:57,000
Oh, they're very confused now, the poor
idiots.

211
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:01,580
Well, what's the matter? Don't you see
it's very funny?

212
00:16:02,270 --> 00:16:03,530
Why aren't you laughing?

213
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:12,080
heroes have been outwitted.

214
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:17,699
Who is the mad lady of the manor? And
who are the mysterious yokels who work

215
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:21,720
her? Will they too get killed as soon as
they finish pickling her onions?

216
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,640
Don't miss next week's exciting episode
of Stop!

217
00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:29,400
You're Killing Me!

218
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,770
So you're off work, are you? Why are you
off work?

219
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,370
I'm sick.

220
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,480
What, sick of work, you mean?

221
00:16:46,481 --> 00:16:50,559
No, I've been up to the doctors with my
feet.

222
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:51,820
Yeah, best way to go at all.

223
00:16:53,821 --> 00:16:56,959
What's the matter with your feet?

224
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,759
Nothing. Oh, nothing? Oh, you should
make page three of the Lancet without a

225
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:01,810
sick one.

226
00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:06,980
Now, what I mean is, no matter how far I
walk, or how often I never wash them,

227
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:08,680
My feet never smell.

228
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,680
What's the doctor say then?

229
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,480
Said I needed an operation.

230
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,460
Operation? On your feet?

231
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,710
No, on me nose.

232
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:27,919
Frightened the life out of me, he did.
He's a funny bloke, you know. He got out

233
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:31,050
this long pole with a hook in the end.
Well, stuck it up your nose.

234
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,380
Now he opened the windows with it.

235
00:17:34,891 --> 00:17:41,799
I don't want to take no notice of
doctors. If doctors are so clever, how

236
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,300
people are still getting ill?

237
00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:48,260
Mind you, doctors have made some
advances in recent years. Oh, yeah, I

238
00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:51,439
yeah. You read about them in the News of
the World every week, don't you?

239
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:55,019
I don't mean that kind of advances. I
mean blood transfusion, that type of

240
00:17:55,020 --> 00:17:58,659
thing. Look, don't talk to me about
blood transfusion. I went up to be a

241
00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,710
donor once.

242
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:01,580
They said I had amnesia.

243
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,210
What, so you didn't give them any? No,
they finished up giving me some.

244
00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:12,740
bloody doctors.

245
00:18:12,741 --> 00:18:16,869
It's all these sick people sitting about
in the waiting room. They shouldn't

246
00:18:16,870 --> 00:18:19,160
allow sick people in doctors' waiting
rooms.

247
00:18:19,161 --> 00:18:22,189
It's unhealthy, isn't it? It's
biological, isn't it?

248
00:18:22,190 --> 00:18:23,240
What, like stains?

249
00:18:28,110 --> 00:18:29,160
Where?

250
00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:31,310
Stains? Not where.

251
00:18:31,970 --> 00:18:33,020
Biological stains.

252
00:18:33,021 --> 00:18:34,949
Like you're getting washing powder.

253
00:18:34,950 --> 00:18:38,569
No, no, no. I mean, it's bacteria, isn't
it? It's germs. You see, all the sick

254
00:18:38,570 --> 00:18:41,809
people go in to see the doctor, the
doctor messes about with them, he picks

255
00:18:41,810 --> 00:18:45,229
the germs, doesn't he? Then you go in
there and you pick them up. Well, a week

256
00:18:45,230 --> 00:18:48,829
later, you're back there, aren't you?
Now, before you go into surgery, he

257
00:18:48,830 --> 00:18:52,080
what's wrong with you because he bloody
gave it you, doesn't he?

258
00:18:55,610 --> 00:18:57,070
Remember Dr Kildare?

259
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,410
Oh, yeah. He used to affect my wife.

260
00:18:59,710 --> 00:19:00,760
Affect her what?

261
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,380
Well, you know, make her, you know, go
funny.

262
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,480
Well, you see, he used to be on Sunday
nights, didn't he?

263
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,770
And that was our special night, you
know.

264
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:11,770
Well, it still is.

265
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,050
Sometimes.

266
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,870
What do you mean, special night? What's
special night?

267
00:19:20,220 --> 00:19:24,360
Well... You know what I mean, don't you?
You know.

268
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,540
I mean, don't you?

269
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:30,420
Don't you and your... Don't look like
that, don't you?

270
00:19:32,811 --> 00:19:36,309
and your missus have a special night?

271
00:19:36,310 --> 00:19:40,190
Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, I get you. Yes, we
have a special night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

272
00:19:40,191 --> 00:19:41,849
When's your special night?

273
00:19:41,850 --> 00:19:42,900
Easter Monday.

274
00:19:48,030 --> 00:19:51,770
Well, Sunday used to be our special
night, you see, after Dr.

275
00:19:52,170 --> 00:19:53,220
Kildare, you see.

276
00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:54,470
Suited me fine, really.

277
00:19:55,090 --> 00:19:57,080
Left the rest of the week nice and
clear.

278
00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:01,710
And the BBC moved it to Friday night and
messed up me fishing.

279
00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:07,680
Well, you see, that's why you can't
trust these medical sorts, can you, see?

280
00:20:07,681 --> 00:20:11,089
I know, but there has been some great
doctors, you've got to admit.

281
00:20:11,090 --> 00:20:13,550
Who? Yeah, he was very good, 18 carats.

282
00:20:14,510 --> 00:20:18,629
Not Doctor Who, I'm saying Who, name
one, I mean. Oh, sorry, I thought you

283
00:20:18,630 --> 00:20:20,430
that. No, well, Livingston.

284
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:25,129
Livingston? Oh, he was a right shroody,
he was, wasn't he, eh? What did

285
00:20:25,130 --> 00:20:28,140
Livingston ever do? All he ever did was
got lost, didn't he?

286
00:20:28,470 --> 00:20:31,210
Very clever of that. I got lost last
week going to Acton.

287
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,370
Yeah, but he got lost in the African
bush.

288
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,260
Well, I got lost in Shepherd's Bush.

289
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:41,200
Just wear a few more clothes, that's
all.

290
00:20:41,590 --> 00:20:45,950
Old Stanley, you know, Stanley, he took
three years to find that Dr Livingston,

291
00:20:45,951 --> 00:20:49,549
and when he found him, rumour has it
that the doctor wouldn't even give him a

292
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:50,600
sick note.

293
00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:53,769
Well, maybe he didn't have an
appointment.

294
00:20:53,770 --> 00:20:57,669
You can't trust these doctors. You read
about it in the newspapers every week. A

295
00:20:57,670 --> 00:21:01,589
bloke goes in hospital to have an
ingrown toenail done, he comes out with

296
00:21:01,590 --> 00:21:02,910
right arm off, doesn't he?

297
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,800
Well, I didn't know that cured ingrown
toenails.

298
00:21:07,780 --> 00:21:11,450
Don't, it don't. It just means they've
got the papers all mixed up, you see.

299
00:21:11,451 --> 00:21:15,459
Here, the doctor says I've got to go in
and have an operation of my nose. I've

300
00:21:15,460 --> 00:21:18,799
got to have me tonsils out at the same
time. Yeah, well, you be careful I don't

301
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,359
mix the papers up. I mean, suppose they
got you mixed up with a bloke who went

302
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,540
in for a sex change, eh?

303
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,260
Leave it out, precisely.

304
00:21:35,150 --> 00:21:37,980
Oh, well, if you got mixed up with him,
what would you do?

305
00:21:38,450 --> 00:21:39,500
Not a lot.

306
00:21:42,030 --> 00:21:47,009
Speak with a higher -pitched voice? What
about him? He'd come out with

307
00:21:47,010 --> 00:21:50,080
everything he went in with, plus a sore
throat, wouldn't he?

308
00:21:50,081 --> 00:21:53,809
You don't think it would possibly
happen, do you? Who knows? Who knows?

309
00:21:53,810 --> 00:21:55,790
They've got no scruples, these doctors.

310
00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:59,020
You wouldn't have when you come out,
either, would you?

311
00:21:59,021 --> 00:22:00,669
Right, I'll get them.

312
00:22:00,670 --> 00:22:02,960
What do you get out? Same again? A pint,
is it?

313
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,690
Or would you prefer a small port and
lemon, my little old darling, eh?

314
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:08,740
Better get used to it. Leave off.

315
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:17,040
Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan sisters.

316
00:22:47,299 --> 00:22:50,100
Oh, baby.

317
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,980
That's why you're there.

318
00:25:41,620 --> 00:25:44,240
T 'was the day of the gravedigger's
wedding.

319
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:49,280
The churchyard was shrouded in gloom,
and the lads of the village sat silent,

320
00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:51,600
playing tiddlywinks on a tune.

321
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:57,719
The villagers trooped up the high
street, trying their best not to grieve.

322
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:01,510
were losing their jolly young sexton,
and alas, there could be no reprieve.

323
00:26:03,180 --> 00:26:06,700
Mr. Hoppin, the star undertaker, was
giving his daughter away.

324
00:26:07,290 --> 00:26:10,630
and despite his morose occupation, was
doing his best to look gay.

325
00:26:15,730 --> 00:26:19,580
He had finished the final arrangements.
He had greeted the groom face to face.

326
00:26:21,350 --> 00:26:25,020
He knew he could make the bride happy,
but he measured the lad just in case.

327
00:26:27,390 --> 00:26:28,970
The villagers all were invited.

328
00:26:28,971 --> 00:26:33,069
Invitations sent out to each guest, said
be in the churchyard at midday, and

329
00:26:33,070 --> 00:26:34,570
then did no flowers by request.

330
00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:44,390
The bride wore a gown of black muslin,
so pretty it fair took your breath.

331
00:26:46,140 --> 00:26:49,750
And shyly, with hesitant footsteps, she
went to a fate worse than death.

332
00:26:50,671 --> 00:26:58,519
The groom arrived late for the wedding,
and the crowd were all getting alarmed.

333
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,950
He'd been in the old crown and anchor,
getting completely embalmed.

334
00:27:02,451 --> 00:27:09,939
The parson was solemnly waiting. The
bride stood there, covered in veil. Her

335
00:27:09,940 --> 00:27:13,130
train was held up by two pages. His
pants were held up by two nails.

336
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:26,920
When the parson had joined them and
blessed them,

337
00:27:26,921 --> 00:27:30,639
they were sentenced for better or worse,
and the organ played Rescue the

338
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:32,930
Perishing as they hurried away in the
hearse.

339
00:27:34,951 --> 00:27:39,759
the breakfast, the bridesmaids were sent
in a cab.

340
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:43,200
The feast was laid out in the garden.
The best man laid out on a slab.

341
00:27:45,380 --> 00:27:50,100
The food was all cold as it should be.
They'd spared no expense, you can tell.

342
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:54,340
An abundance of very stiff jelly and a
cake with brass handles as well.

343
00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:00,879
The verger had charge of the breakfast.
The most popular toast that he gave was

344
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,310
health and long life to the bridegroom.
May he live to dig many a grave.

345
00:28:06,510 --> 00:28:12,029
And as soon as the breakfast was over,
and they'd filled themselves full of hot

346
00:28:12,030 --> 00:28:16,969
toddy, the bride dropped her wreath and
took off her shroud, and everyone viewed

347
00:28:16,970 --> 00:28:18,020
the body.

348
00:28:39,539 --> 00:28:43,659
Tonight, I'd like, if I may, to tell you
a joke that holds very nostalgic

349
00:28:43,660 --> 00:28:47,819
memories for me. I'm telling you that
straight away, so that if I happen to

350
00:28:47,820 --> 00:28:52,460
break down while I'm telling it, you
know, don't mind me crying.

351
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:55,480
Just you carry on enjoying yourselves.

352
00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:01,479
You see, I haven't told this story since
that night, 20 years ago, when I

353
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:05,480
appeared in cabaret at the St. John's
Women's Institute, our go -go.

354
00:29:08,430 --> 00:29:13,469
But it was that evening, all those years
ago, when I first met the first love of

355
00:29:13,470 --> 00:29:14,610
my life, Mrs.

356
00:29:14,990 --> 00:29:19,449
Wilkinson. Now, she was a widow. She
told me her husband was lost at sea

357
00:29:19,450 --> 00:29:21,130
somewhat unusual circumstances.

358
00:29:21,131 --> 00:29:24,329
Apparently had gone up the ship's mast
to see if he could sight land.

359
00:29:24,330 --> 00:29:26,070
When he came down, the ship had gone.

360
00:29:28,790 --> 00:29:32,040
I think it's rather a pity he didn't
take my grandfather with him.

361
00:29:32,050 --> 00:29:34,070
There I was, doing my act.

362
00:29:34,550 --> 00:29:37,450
And I noticed this beautiful woman in
the audience.

363
00:29:37,451 --> 00:29:40,509
Well, I couldn't help but notice she was
the audience.

364
00:29:40,510 --> 00:29:45,549
It was a very quiet evening. A lot of
people had stayed at home to listen to

365
00:29:45,550 --> 00:29:50,910
Archers. And I'd just actually finished
my unusual impression spot.

366
00:29:51,150 --> 00:29:57,250
I'd done Albert Schweitzer. I'd done
Maurice Chevalier's mother.

367
00:29:59,970 --> 00:30:03,510
Emily Pankhurst. I'd done, you know,
just the cream of the act.

368
00:30:04,890 --> 00:30:06,870
And I said, has anybody any requests?

369
00:30:07,250 --> 00:30:11,569
You know, one does, you know. And I
shall never forget the thrill of hearing

370
00:30:11,570 --> 00:30:15,829
Wilkinson's voice for the first time.
She said, yes, she said, if I leave the

371
00:30:15,830 --> 00:30:16,970
keys, will you lock up?

372
00:30:22,010 --> 00:30:26,949
Now, up to then, I must be honest with
you, up to then, I was sort of half

373
00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:29,160
awakened. you know, to the opposite sex.

374
00:30:29,460 --> 00:30:35,079
I used to have a fantasy that Raquel
Welsh would creep into my bedroom and

375
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:38,560
her hand down her blouse and bring out
two cup final tickets.

376
00:30:41,980 --> 00:30:45,280
I actually went to see a psychiatrist
about that.

377
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:47,560
He didn't seem to understand at all.

378
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:49,940
He wanted to buy one of the tickets.

379
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:56,719
I think... I think it's a family
weakness because my dad still writes fan

380
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:57,980
letters to Julie Andrews.

381
00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:01,530
But he blames it on the stuff they put
in your tea when he was in the army.

382
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:06,380
I managed to wind up my performance with
something, you know, appropriate.

383
00:31:06,381 --> 00:31:09,039
A couple of verses of Silent Night or
something like that.

384
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:13,339
And when I started talking to Mrs
Wilkinson, I discovered she was a very

385
00:31:13,340 --> 00:31:15,220
sophisticated lady. A merry widow.

386
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:18,160
She was asked to every party in the
district.

387
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:20,400
My God, she had some Tupperware.

388
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,960
So to cut a long story short, something
I don't seem very good at, but I do try,

389
00:31:29,060 --> 00:31:34,819
in no time at all, there we are, me and
Mrs Wilkinson, getting the taste of

390
00:31:34,820 --> 00:31:37,880
martini in the pub on the motorway, the
flat hedgehog.

391
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:46,899
And by closing time, we both discovered
that we had something in

392
00:31:46,900 --> 00:31:48,780
common. We were both drunk.

393
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:52,480
And I said to her, I love you.

394
00:31:52,700 --> 00:31:54,300
I said, I love you.

395
00:31:54,590 --> 00:31:58,020
And unfortunately, I happened to catch
the barman's eye as I said it.

396
00:31:58,890 --> 00:32:01,170
And I still get letters from him, even
now.

397
00:32:03,070 --> 00:32:04,710
And a bottle of Brut at Christmas.

398
00:32:06,290 --> 00:32:11,390
So eventually, we got to her doorway.

399
00:32:11,630 --> 00:32:12,680
I said, Mrs.

400
00:32:12,870 --> 00:32:15,970
Wilkinson, I said. She said, please
don't call me Mrs.

401
00:32:16,270 --> 00:32:17,730
I said, Wilkinson, I said.

402
00:32:19,890 --> 00:32:22,300
You are the most wonderful woman I have
ever met.

403
00:32:22,410 --> 00:32:24,030
You are beautiful, she said, yes.

404
00:32:24,590 --> 00:32:25,640
Sophisticated, yes.

405
00:32:25,670 --> 00:32:27,430
Sense of humor, sense of humor.

406
00:32:27,670 --> 00:32:31,230
You like a drink, I like a drink.
Regular job, regular job.

407
00:32:31,570 --> 00:32:33,250
Cuddly toy, cuddly toy.

408
00:32:33,490 --> 00:32:35,470
How did Bruce Versailles get into that?

409
00:32:36,710 --> 00:32:42,470
Then she said, I am also very
passionate.

410
00:32:42,850 --> 00:32:44,990
She said, would you like to come inside?

411
00:32:45,990 --> 00:32:51,090
She opened the door, you see, and she
walked in.

412
00:32:52,510 --> 00:32:53,590
That's her walking in.

413
00:32:54,750 --> 00:32:58,770
I didn't walk like that. I walked sort
of quite normally like that.

414
00:33:00,030 --> 00:33:02,320
As normally as the excitement would
allow it.

415
00:33:07,010 --> 00:33:08,410
She opened the door, you see.

416
00:33:08,790 --> 00:33:12,510
She opened the door and there in the
hall was a dead horse.

417
00:33:17,350 --> 00:33:19,710
I said, um...

418
00:33:22,180 --> 00:33:24,480
I said, what's that doing there?

419
00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,680
She said, I didn't say I was tidy, did
I?

420
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:34,810
She said, I won't be a minute. She said,
why don't you go into the sitting room?

421
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,290
By the way, the bit about the dead horse
is not absolutely true.

422
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:42,770
But if I told you the truth, you'd never
believe me.

423
00:33:42,771 --> 00:33:46,379
She said, I won't be a minute. She said,
why don't you go into the sitting room,

424
00:33:46,380 --> 00:33:49,759
help yourself to a drink, she said, put
on a little music, slip into something

425
00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:50,810
comfortable.

426
00:33:50,811 --> 00:33:54,599
Well, it seemed a good idea at the time,
so there I was, a few minutes later,

427
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:59,659
standing there, stripped down to the
bifocals, standing there on my mink

428
00:33:59,660 --> 00:34:06,039
-trimmed Y -fronts, and my ex -commando
vest to

429
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:08,679
fit a five -year -old.

430
00:34:13,389 --> 00:34:14,889
Mum had taken a tuck in the back.

431
00:34:18,969 --> 00:34:24,069
Standing there admiring the ducks up the
wall and thinking to myself, isn't

432
00:34:24,070 --> 00:34:25,120
nature wonderful?

433
00:34:26,770 --> 00:34:28,760
And she came back in with her three
kids.

434
00:34:29,489 --> 00:34:31,229
And she looked at me and she pointed.

435
00:34:31,350 --> 00:34:35,080
She said to them, that's what you'll
look like if you don't eat your greens.

436
00:35:20,330 --> 00:35:21,570
I love on the ocean way.

437
00:35:21,930 --> 00:35:23,730
It's better than walking the street.

438
00:35:24,370 --> 00:35:25,570
Sailor's life you crave.

439
00:35:25,950 --> 00:35:27,550
Then up and follow the fleet.

440
00:35:27,850 --> 00:35:31,670
Oh, the skipper's awfully sweet when he
comes for his Sunday treat.

441
00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:35,209
Well, when you're abroad, you're bound
to get bored and it's nice to get off

442
00:35:35,210 --> 00:35:35,929
your feet.

443
00:35:35,930 --> 00:35:37,690
We are the sailor boy.

444
00:35:37,970 --> 00:35:39,750
The answer's always yes.

445
00:35:40,030 --> 00:35:41,670
I'm a captain, pride and joy.

446
00:35:42,030 --> 00:35:43,590
And I'm the officer's man.

447
00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:01,650
So cheer up, me lads, if you need us,
we're here.

448
00:36:01,870 --> 00:36:05,550
We've already had quite a varied career.

449
00:36:05,810 --> 00:36:11,249
Oh, we've both been around, though we're
not very old. We've been kissed in the

450
00:36:11,250 --> 00:36:17,029
crow's nest and held in the hold. Hearts
of oak we have got, cos me bra's made

451
00:36:17,030 --> 00:36:17,869
of wood.

452
00:36:17,870 --> 00:36:21,770
We always are steady, steady girls,
steady.

453
00:36:22,090 --> 00:36:25,850
Oh, she's as bad as me, but we're both
pretty good.

454
00:36:30,250 --> 00:36:36,689
We love playing games on the deck or
below With a bottle of rum and a quick

455
00:36:36,690 --> 00:36:43,269
yo -ho -ho Though our fishnets get torn
in a game of sardines And we sink pretty

456
00:36:43,270 --> 00:36:49,729
low when we play submarines For a joke
or a jar with a bloke who's a tar

457
00:36:49,730 --> 00:36:56,629
We always are ready, steady girls,
steady We travel round the world but we

458
00:36:56,630 --> 00:36:57,970
don't go too far

459
00:37:03,050 --> 00:37:07,229
I had a date with a drunken sailor,
Thursday night with a drunken sailor,

460
00:37:07,230 --> 00:37:10,310
fight with a drunken sailor, early
Friday morning.

461
00:37:10,950 --> 00:37:15,649
Yee -haw, and up she rises, she's got
knees of different sizes, one's very

462
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:16,910
and the other wins prizes.

463
00:37:17,670 --> 00:37:24,570
Out in a rowboat with this sailor, all
timed up like Elizabeth Taylor,

464
00:37:24,790 --> 00:37:28,460
shouting at each other through a small
loud hailer, early in the morning.

465
00:37:28,670 --> 00:37:32,690
The fog got thicker and so did the
sailor. The night got dark and he got

466
00:37:32,710 --> 00:37:38,129
Then we were hit by a bloody great
whaler. Then we were hit by a bloody

467
00:37:38,130 --> 00:37:40,190
whaler every in the morning.

468
00:37:40,530 --> 00:37:44,409
Lost the oars in the small loud hailer.
Hung up the blouse and tried to sail

469
00:37:44,410 --> 00:37:48,150
her. Used me brazier as a bailer all
night in the morning.

470
00:37:48,670 --> 00:37:50,430
Hey ho, and I'm too tired.

471
00:37:50,650 --> 00:37:52,290
I've got to get back exercising.

472
00:37:52,670 --> 00:37:56,290
Bedding's has busted. School cat sizes
six and seven eighths.

473
00:37:58,510 --> 00:38:02,600
I saved that sozzled, saturated sailor,
took him back to me caravan and trailer,

474
00:38:02,750 --> 00:38:06,230
gave him a sniff of me vic inhaler, a
lie in the morning.

475
00:38:06,231 --> 00:38:10,229
He took off his suit and prepared to
retire, dried his bell -bottoms by the

476
00:38:10,230 --> 00:38:14,490
fire. They weren't his own, we got them
on hire from the local Moss Bros.

477
00:38:14,690 --> 00:38:19,349
Hey -ho, and up she rises, they've got
suits of different sizes, pockets are

478
00:38:19,350 --> 00:38:22,350
full of little surprises, early in the
morning.

479
00:38:22,630 --> 00:38:27,110
Cold and wet and much, much frailer,
three sizes smaller, two shades paler.

480
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:33,260
I finished up with a shrunken sailor
early in the morning.

481
00:38:47,220 --> 00:38:54,199
Bobby Shaft has gone to sea. He'll be
back in time

482
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:57,960
for tea. He's in charge of the WC on the
channel day.

483
00:38:59,370 --> 00:39:03,469
morning, he did parts with his telescope
and charts, all for a glimpse of

484
00:39:03,470 --> 00:39:05,590
foreign parts on the channel fairy.

485
00:39:06,110 --> 00:39:10,269
Bobby Shaft was tall and strong, his
legs are thin and his hair is long, he

486
00:39:10,270 --> 00:39:13,400
looks like a laboratory brush gone wrong
on the channel fairy.

487
00:39:13,790 --> 00:39:20,589
But I have a little plan to marry Bobby
if I can, because I love a WC

488
00:39:20,590 --> 00:39:22,610
going man on the channel fairy.

489
00:39:27,580 --> 00:39:31,539
He's a naval man. You can tell it by his
walk. He's a naval man when you listen

490
00:39:31,540 --> 00:39:34,299
to him talk. And the drunken things he
lots of when he's lying in the gutter.

491
00:39:34,300 --> 00:39:37,379
You can bend your brain, but he's a
naval man. If his kickback's full of

492
00:39:37,380 --> 00:39:40,750
wrinkles, he's a naval man. If you reach
from a wink, he's a naval man.

493
00:39:40,751 --> 00:39:43,459
If he hums a little ditty and he tells
you that you're pretty, you can bet your

494
00:39:43,460 --> 00:39:44,900
breasts that he's a naval man.

495
00:39:45,390 --> 00:39:49,029
He's a navel man of the ocean going
soft. He's a navel man with a girly

496
00:39:49,030 --> 00:39:52,049
pop. You will see him grab and hug her
yelling once upon a lager. He's a dirty

497
00:39:52,050 --> 00:39:53,270
rotten ocean of a navel.

498
00:39:53,271 --> 00:39:57,249
He's in a robot on the serpentine. If he
tries to put his hand upon your

499
00:39:57,250 --> 00:39:58,149
plimsoll vine.

500
00:39:58,150 --> 00:40:00,209
You're going to get the skin you're born
in if he grabs you without warning.

501
00:40:00,210 --> 00:40:02,740
You'll be scuttled in the morning. He's
a navel man.

502
00:40:19,560 --> 00:40:25,579
And so we now salute the gallant crew,
the captains, the commanders and the

503
00:40:25,580 --> 00:40:27,980
cabin boys who sail the ocean blue.

504
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:32,540
I love each one and I've had fun with
quite a few.

505
00:40:32,940 --> 00:40:39,879
We wear the colours, the flags of great
renown, and we'll never, never let them

506
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:41,440
be pulled down.

507
00:40:42,020 --> 00:40:47,760
June and Tanya, the darlings of the
waves, just try...

508
00:40:55,490 --> 00:40:58,130
We shall never, never leave you.

509
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:41,139
Well, that's all we have time for
tonight. But before we go, here are a

510
00:41:41,140 --> 00:41:42,680
items of late news.

511
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:44,250
Soccer violence.

512
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:49,619
Fighting between United and City fans
tonight was interrupted for 90 minutes

513
00:41:49,620 --> 00:41:51,670
when the pitch was invaded by 22
players.

514
00:41:55,180 --> 00:41:59,519
And tonight, a new pub opened its doors
here in Shepherd's Bush. It's jointly

515
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:03,070
run by Mary Whitehouse and Percy
Edwards, and it's called the Prig and

516
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:17,359
In tonight's wrestling at Lewisham Bath,
Larry Grayson beat John Inman by a

517
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:18,500
technical submission.

518
00:42:20,240 --> 00:42:26,199
They were fighting for the grappling
game's biggest ever person. It's about

519
00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:27,700
big and all covered in sequins.

520
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:34,119
And finally, the public are warned to be
on the lookout for Joseph Gomez, a

521
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:38,260
Spaniard last heard of living in Tuting,
whose mother was a nun in Barcelona.

522
00:42:38,261 --> 00:42:42,339
A one -time flautist with a symphony
orchestra, he is wanted for looting in

523
00:42:42,340 --> 00:42:44,220
Haifa, where he worked on a farm.

524
00:42:44,221 --> 00:42:48,319
The police urge people to look out for a
Haifa -looting, fluting, Tuting son of

525
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:50,730
a nun from Barcelona, part -time
ploughboy Joe.

526
00:42:54,091 --> 00:43:00,769
Until next week, it's goodnight from me.
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

527
00:43:00,770 --> 00:43:05,320
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